Prior to coming to FA, my holidays were mostly about food, and my thoughts were focused on food. I would be thinking about what I was going to eat and where I was going to eat.  There were some holidays when I was so filled up with self-pity that I had thoughts of suicide or my death. (In many ways I was spiritually dead.)

Many of my thoughts were negative. I thought negatively about myself and about others. I wanted to belong and be a part of something, but didn’t know how to do it. I thought that if I had someone special to spend the holiday with, if I purchased the right outfit, and, of course, if I had the right meal, then I would be okay. Many of my thoughts were rooted in low self-esteem and low self-worth.

Prior to FA, I really had no idea what I emotionally needed to feel better. My actions and behaviors often involved isolation and watching TV or going to a movie. These were attempts to feel better and comfort myself rather than serving as occasional forms of entertainment. They were tools to help me feel better emotionally when I felt alone and sad.

My negative feelings seemed to intensify over the holidays. Typically over the holidays, I would go buy something fashionable, thinking that this would help me feel better.  I would feel better for a little while and then the negative thoughts and feeling would resurface. Dressing up the outside would only last so long. Eventually I would feel bad again.

One Thanksgiving I remember ordering the traditional holiday bird and attempting to eat most of it. Mostly during the holidays I felt alone, isolated, and miserable because I had stuffed myself with food, entertainment, and material items in order to feel better. It got to a point when these things or behaviors no longer worked.

A big part of my holidays was spent feeling and thinking that someone was going to save me. I looked for validation or comfort from others. I was very shallow and did not realize the holiday season wasn’t all about receiving something or someone. The holidays were really about giving of myself, spending quality time with friends and family, and maybe getting to do some activities I hadn’t been able to do in a while.

Since coming to FA seven years ago, although I am not perfect, my life and my perspective and attitudes around holidays have changed. I’ve released 23 pounds, and I no longer looked to be saved or catered to over the holidays. I spend time being thankful for what I have. I look to be of service to others and to the fellowship. Almost every Thanksgiving holiday for the past seven years, I have spoken at a Thank-a-Thon, which is an excellent way to start Thanksgiving Day. That service has been very fulfilling.

I now try to make my holidays about service and fellowship. There have been times in recovery when I have gotten sidetracked, but I feel ready and willing to do what I need to do to have fulfilling holidays