For as far back as I can remember, I always asked the question, “Why me?” I was filled with self-pity, and I constantly stuffed my feelings down with food.
I was born a triplet, and we were diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at a year old. My parents were always positive, and they instilled in us that nothing is impossible. However, the cycle of self-pity really started for me just a week after we moved into our handicap-accessible house when I was almost six. My triplet brother, Paul, developed pneumonia and passed away suddenly. I remember the day he died as if it happened yesterday. My entire life changed from that day forward, and I immediately began to question why my life was so terrible.
The years following his death were pretty bad. I dealt with a lot of traumatic situations, including my mother almost dying after complications from gastric bypass surgery. My father, who was a sergeant in the NYPD, was a first responder on September 11th and we worried about him. I struggled through it all, trying to understand why these things were happening to my family.
I decided on September 11th that I didn’t believe in God, and coming from a Jewish mother and an Irish Catholic father, this was an easy decision to make. I never truly figured out what I believed in my heart, and everything I had gone through left me with many questions and no answers. My only solution was to eat.
When I was 17, my mother, who at that point had maintained a 150-pound weight loss from the bypass surgery almost a decade earlier, was diagnosed with cancer, and I was angry that she now had to deal with this.
By that point, my eating was out of control, and watching her go through chemotherapy made it even worse. I felt scared, sad, and alone, and food seemed to be my only comfort. At 17, I was constantly eating, isolating myself from family and friends, and headed down a dark path. I resented my mother for getting sick, my father for paying more attention to my mom’s needs than mine, my brothers for being alive, my brother Paul for having to die, my friends for not caring about what I was going through as much as I thought they should, and God for doing this all to me, even though I doubted His existence. I was confused and resentful towards everybody in my life, and this only led me deeper into my addiction.
Almost a year after my mother’s diagnosis, while she was in remission, I came into FA. I was 18 years old, fat, depressed, suicidal, and completely desperate. I hated the spiritual aspect of the program at first, but I immediately got a sponsor and have been abstinent since day one. I’m now 22 years old and maintaining a 115 pound weight loss. I no longer ask, “Why me?”
I have been through a lot since coming into program, but I don’t eat over any of it. My mom has had two metastases since I’ve been abstinent, and she’s now considered to be Stage IV, but her prognosis is good. We take it a day at a time, which I’ve honestly learned how to do through being in FA. I’m now able to be present for and with her, and I greatly value the quality time my family has together.
Just this month my mother went in for a routine surgery, not cancer-related, and due to some serious malpractice/neglect, she developed a complication and had to be rushed into emergency surgery at another hospital to try and fix it. Nobody, including her doctors, thought she was going to make it, and we thought we were saying our last goodbyes. The wait to hear the results of the surgery was terrible, but I used my tools and didn’t eat through it. Miraculously, the surgeon saved her life, and I couldn’t be more grateful to have my mother here with me today. I could have asked, “Why me?” and shoved food in my mouth, but I didn’t.
This program has shown me that I can deal with whatever life throws at me and trust that my Higher Power will be there for me always. Through my program, the fellowship, my belief in a Higher Power, my Jewish faith, and my family, I know that I can get through anything. Program is number one in my life, and because of it, I’m living life on life’s terms. I no longer ask, “Why me?” If I work my program to the best of my ability, weigh and measure my meals, and trust in my Higher Power, I know that I will always be taken care of.