For my whole life I lived in the fairy tale that if only I were thin, my life would be perfect. I have always battled 20 pounds, but those 20 pounds were enough to make me feel separated from the rest of the world. Eventually by my 40s, the battle increased to 40 pounds.

After discovering the FA program, the weight came off quickly. Finally I was thin! But life wasn’t perfect. Yes, I was thin, but I still had the same job, the same house, the same husband, and quite frankly, I hated them all. Because I was using the program as a diet rather than a recovery program, I eventually picked up the food. Thus began a viciously chronic cycle of breaks that lasted over three years. Without a doubt, I proved to myself that this disease gets worse, never better.

Then things that I always said hadn’t happened to me yet finally happened to me. I experienced passing out from too much sugar, buried food in the back yard to prevent digging it out of the trash, threw wrappers out my car window to prevent my husband from finding them, and bought food, only to change my mind and throw it out the window without ever opening it. I ate like a pig, abused laxatives, and was working on perfecting throwing up. I became quite skilled at sneaking and hiding food, both at work and home. Not that I was fooling anyone, since I was carrying the evidence on my body. After struggling to stay abstinent for a year, I left the program, heavier than when I arrived.

During the next year, I sought lots of remedies, such as paying a life coach for counseling, going back to AA, and exercising. I even had a period of eating only what I wanted to eat (which was all snack food). Frequently I set dates in my journals to go back to FA, but never did.

After reaching my highest weight ever, I came back to FA and stayed abstinent for over four months before picking up food again. The next seven months was another roller coaster cycle of on-again-off again abstinence.

Then one day, while feeling sorry for myself and angry over a work situation, I had a big binge. I secretly decided not to tell anyone and planned to just lie around through the upcoming long holiday weekend to detox. Instead, my husband figured out I had binged and said something to me that I am certain he will never say again. “Honey, why don’t you just eat everything you want to eat this weekend and then go back to FA on Monday?” That was all I needed to hear to binge openly all weekend. Sadly, I didn’t go back on Monday. Almost four months later and thirty pounds heavier, I barely made it back through the doors of FA on the last day possible to take the commitment before the AWOL closed.

It was not easy. There were plenty of days when I wanted to eat, but I wanted to stay abstinent just a tiny bit more than I wanted to eat. Many days I chanted the mantra, “Just don’t eat today, so I can go to my AWOL on Saturday.” This time I became willing to pick up the telephone instead of picking up the bite.  With the encouragement of my sponsor, I developed the discipline to work all of my tools daily, including making at least three connections each day. Some days required making a dozen calls to reach three people. Most of all, I finally learned to be honest with my sponsor and to tell people what was going on inside of my head, no matter how embarrassing it might be. I told people when I wanted to eat. There were days I thought if someone walked by my desk and salted it, I’d try to eat it!

At someone’s suggestion, I began praying for the willingness to do whatever I had to do that day to stay abstinent. Some days that meant going to bed at 7 p.m., packing all of my meals the night before, and making extra phone calls. Some days it meant getting back down on my knees in the middle of the day to ask my Higher Power for help, missing special events in order not to miss my committed meetings or AWOL, arranging my work schedule around my committed meetings, or eating my meal by myself so I could eat on time.

Gradually the days got easier, and now, one day at a time, I have been abstinent for 15 months and have maintained a 40-pound weight loss. Today I work for the same company, but have been promoted. I live in the same house, but my husband has remodeled our kitchen and master bathroom, and is currently laying new flooring. I am married to the same husband. He hasn’t changed, but by staying abstinent, working the Twelve Steps in my AWOL, and with God’s help, I am changing and am rediscovering the man I fell in love with 16 years ago.

There is a saying in FA that it is easier to stay abstinent today, no matter how bad your day is, than it is to get abstinent again tomorrow. I have lived that saying and experienced the miserable existence created from picking up the food. Today I know that my willingness is an action— working all of my tools, asking God for help, and especially making a phone call.