For years, I wrestled with fear, doubt, and insecurity. I worried about everything, from raising children and being a responsible citizen of the world, to having enough money. Although I was an active member of a religious community, I had no relationship with the God of my upbringing.

At the same time, I struggled with my eating. I say eating rather than weight because my weight fluctuated so much. The numbers on my bathroom scale were not always a problem, but I habitually went on the “diet to end all diets,” which I told myself would get me down to an ideal size, whatever that might be. I would then, of course, start eating healthily and follow new exercise regimes that would rid me of my cellulite.

My relationships with other people were not as I wanted them to be. I was impatient and angry with my family, as well as the students I taught. I felt resentment toward my parents for injustices I thought had negatively affected my life. People often hurt my feelings with their remarks, yet I never realized that the insensitive things I said to others were so much worse.

I was aware that I isolated from people. I lost myself in romance novels about heroines with flawless bodies, who lived happily ever after once they found perfect-looking swashbuckling heroes to love. I avoided social situations if my weight was up, because I either hated how I looked, or I couldn’t find something that would fit me. If my weight was down, I feared that I would ruin my diet. I knew that once I started drinking and eating party food, I would stop only when I got that disgusting feeling in my stomach that came from overindulging.

My anger grew worse. I was consuming a lot of products that contained high amounts of salt, fat, sugar, and caffeine. I could no longer stay on a diet for more than a week. Then, I could only last a day. Eventually, I could not control my eating past ten o’clock in the morning.

I found Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) on the Internet. I was floored when I heard the definition of food addiction; that sugar and flour products were to me just like alcohol to an alcoholic or drugs to a drug addict. I began the program and lost 50 pounds (23 kilos) in approximately six months.

After losing the weight, I was convinced that FA worked physically, but I couldn’t see that it would help me in the other areas of my life. I didn’t believe that FA could help improve my relationship with my husband, help me get to places on time without feeling rushed, or assist me in controlling my spending. Fellow FA members with longer periods of abstinence kept telling me to work an AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps). I had my doubts, and my doubts kept me from making my abstinence a top priority in my life.

In denial, I left program. For about two years, I did not go to meetings or work with a sponsor, but I kept trying to be abstinent. Unfortunately, I could not work FA by myself, not even for one day. I avoided sugar and flour but binged on salty, fatty foods and foods made with artificial sweeteners. My weight fluctuated much like it had before I came to FA.

During that time, my husband suffered a heart attack, and I thought it was my job to restore him to health. I was having a tough time accepting that my grown daughters had their own lives that didn’t always include me, and I was letting my job control me. I was truly powerless over food, and my life had become unmanageable. So, I finally came back to program.

It’s been years now, and I have completed four AWOLs. By surrendering my food addiction and my will over to the God of my understanding, I have received the tools I need to live life one day at a time. I have maintained my weight loss, but the greatest gifts have been serenity and peace. I am more patient, less angry, and more focused than I have ever been.

I’ve come to realize that I have the greatest husband and daughters. My resentments toward my parents have completely vanished; they were not perfect, but they did a whole lot of things right. I do not take as much offense to things people say because I now see that they are imperfect human beings, just like me. More often, I stop and think before I speak or react.

I still enjoy reading, but I’m picky about what I read. Now, I prefer books about real people overcoming real obstacles.

I still have a long way to go but, with FA, I have tools for living. I have fellow food addicts to whom I can talk—people who speak my language and get me. It’s funny, but discussing food rarely comes up in my conversations with my sponsor or fellows. I get my feelings and fears up and out, which makes them less scary. FA is not simply a food program, but a spiritual program that helps me stay at a healthy weight, one day at a time.