Have I always been a food addict? I do not know. I do know that as a scrawny little kid, I was afraid of everything and felt alone in my large family of eight. I do remember stealing $20 from my mother’s purse to buy sweets at the corner store.

A sister, who was a year older than I and the favorite of my mother and father, suddenly and unexpectedly died from influenza in 1954. Devastated by their loss, my parents were no longer able to function as parents. At the age of six, I had to quickly learn how to take care of myself as well as my six siblings.

Staying alive became the focus of my life.  I developed a list of things I could do and how to “be” in order to survive, and I began playing a role rather than being the person I was meant to be. The loneliness of this way of life became unbearable and I started looking for relief. Food became my first choice for comfort. I could not wait to get home from school to snack. Whenever possible, I had seconds or thirds at dinner and always ate off others’ plates as we cleaned up.

By the time I was 11, people frequently commented about my weight, and kids at school teased me. This teasing led me to my first diet at the age of 11, during the summer. Somehow I got hold of over-the-counter diet pills and was able to lose weight. At the beginning of vacation, my parents were asking, “Do you really need seconds?” By the end, when I had lost weight, they were saying, “Come on, Kate, you can have more.”

And so went the way of all my future diets. I usually was able to lose weight because I followed directions well. As soon as I reached my goal, however, I would resume my pre-diet ways of eating and immediately pack back on all the weight.

In my early twenties, food took a back seat to drugs and alcohol. When these substances stopped working to ease the pain, I would switch addictions. When I drank, I would not eat, so I lost weight. Then when I went on the wagon, I resumed eating. I must have gained and lost 80 pounds at least four times before diets stopped working!

The AA Big Book tells us that it is always “darkest before the dawn.”  Ten years ago two tragedies sent me reeling. My mother died after being under my care for four years. That same year, a beloved sister committed suicide on my birthday. What followed were many attempts at healing from these overwhelming losses. I attended several retreats, grief and trauma workshops, and survivor’s support groups, while continuing to work, watch movies, and eat, eat, eat!

At a workshop on radical authenticity, I was finally forced to face myself as a fat person. Once again I tried another new diet and lost 30 pounds before making what I called “adjustments” to the plan. I promptly put back on all the weight.

Shortly after the anniversary of my sister’s suicide, while lying on the couch after a binge, this dialogue played out in my head:

What is the difference between this and drinking?

Nothing.

Then why not drink? 

Because to drink is to die.

Then why not just die?

Suddenly, I had a flashback of my life; the years of dieting, gaining, losing weight. My best efforts at weight loss had put me on the couch contemplating suicide. What was wrong with me?  At that moment, I knew without a doubt that if God did not intervene, I would ultimately destroy myself. Food was taking me to a place of such despair that I could see myself justifying doing something that I do not believe in: suicide.

Here I was, a 59-year-old, 212-pound woman, and I did not know how to eat.

God heard my desperation and sent help in the form of a lady I met two weeks later who had recently found FA. She shared her experience with me. Fully intending to go to several meetings and then eat whatever I wanted in between, something in the room grabbed me. People were happy. They glowed. They did not look deprived, as dieters so often do. The whole room felt warm and embracing. Plus, they were able to do something I had never been able to do – keep weight off! For the first time in my life I felt hope. This might be that last time I would ever have to lose weight.

They even had a guarantee. If I did what they did, I could have what they had. Did I want it?

You bet I did! I got a sponsor that night and I did what she told me to do. This program was different from any diet I had ever followed. First, I was not doing this alone. Someone was guiding me every step of the way. Second, God was giving me the strength to stay focused, on task, and abstinent.

I wish I could say that I was one of those who got abstinent and stayed abstinent, but I didn’t. I had a couple of breaks, but thankfully, never let go of the program. I have always believed that FA is God-inspired. That means it comes with all the power I need to work it.

Today I am thin, older, 5’6” tall, and 135 pounds. I am abstinent and I am at peace.