I was not at all sure that I would ever reach 90 days again after breaking my abstinence earlier this year. Yesterday, thank you God, was my ninetieth day, although it took me five months to get there. Why should I be surprised at that? When I came into FA, it took me several years to get the very first 90 days.

My path has been very crooked. Dishonesty was my middle name. I was full of fear, and I didn’t trust God. I lied to my sponsor and myself because I didn’t want to be dropped. Little did I realize that the lying was the reason I might be dropped, not the extra food or non-abstinent behavior. I never gave a sponsor a real chance to help me.

Until January of this year, I had not had any sugar or flour in five or six years. On January 30 of this year, while in the hospital after surgery, I decided it would be a fine idea to eat a sugar product. And just as in the story in the AA Big Book, that “experiment” went so well that I tried it again the next day and then the next. 

By the grace of God, my experiment did not go further and turn into an all-out sugar and flour binge. But I had great difficulty getting back on my FA food plan. I was still eating unmeasured quantities at random times for a while. The insanity had returned.  

My sponsor asked me a simple question, “Are you in, or are you out, or are you halfway in or out?” That was easy. I was halfway in and out. Somehow I had expected her to accept that answer. She told me that would not work. She asked me to talk to people and make a decision. I do believe she thought I would be gone.

I surprised her the next morning when I called at our regular time. Her question made me look at what I know about myself and what I really wanted for my life. Did I want insanity or a changed personality?

I started to make a mental list of the foods I wanted to eat and realized that the list was endless. I knew there was no point in starting to eat the things on that list, as I would end up with the 150 pounds (about 68 kilos) that had come off my body in FA, and I’d be crazier than ever.

FA had done so much for me and I wanted it to continue. Before sliding any further backward, with God’s help, I made the decision to move forward, not at all certain I could succeed. I knew I had to be honest with my sponsor, no matter what. I needed to give her the chance to actually help me before the insanity took a solid hold on me. I had to start before I gained weight and could not stop incessantly eating, and before I went back to being an insulin-dependent diabetic on heart, cholesterol, and high blood pressure medications. I had stopped these medications during my FA recovery. I knew I would end up with health problems and be face first in the food again. 

Thank you God that a moment of sanity prevailed, and I made the decision to stay in FA. I committed to stop using my drug of choice – food. Never has our saying, “One day at a time” meant so much to me. Many times it was one meal at a time, with God on my shoulder.  

I have had many challenges these last few months as I settle into a new phase of my life (post-surgery, recovery, retirement). I have been able to meet these life challenges with a clear mind and some degree of sanity, thanks to FA. Acceptance is coming much more easily and provides me with peace and serenity that is so much better than any food. May I never forget what it was like. Thankfully, God is taking good care of me.