The break started with a memory of a place and a food connected to a moment saturated in grief for my spouse, who had passed seven years earlier. It was our favorite haunt. I had driven passed this food place many times and had learned to say, “This is not my food.” However, late at night three months ago, unhappy with my lonely life, I wished to connect again with my past. I thought that I deserved this one memory, and I indulged in a binge. Afterwards, I was filled with the self-loathing realization of what those mouthfuls would cost me. I then couldn’t qualify or get up in front of the room to tell about my 50-year struggle with food, shame, and compulsion. This break undermined my confidence and sense of usefulness. I couldn’t sponsor, share, or lead a meeting. I was at my goal weight, but couldn’t share the joy of my part in the miracle God had done to change my relationship with food. 

 My highest weight was 227, and when I joined FA I weighed 205. That December, I weighed 140. But now I was back at day one…again! God had changed my body, but my mind was still the same. I had not even followed my sponsor’s wish that I begin an AWOL. 

 The sweet surrender to a plan every morning and gratitude journaling every night would be the first steps back. The Big Book helped me repeatedly with my grief and need to forgive myself for the break. My FA family reminded me of the service I could offer –bringing members to meetings, being abstinent, doing the tools, and learning to trust God with my life.  I completed the requirements of the first 90 days, eagerly serving with a new humble heart. I searched out an AWOL. Self-determination had not done it before. It was God’s work in me now. I realized that inward change needed to start. I now had the answer.