I was sitting on my bed, talking with him on the phone, awake far later than usual. We weren’t having a fight; we were just having a discussion. When I asked, “Do you want to break up with me?” I wasn’t asking a serious question. I was expecting him to say “No,” so that we could establish that we both wanted to be together, and carry on with the conversation from there. When his response was, “I don’t know,” I felt as if my heart stopped.

I’d thought we were both in it to win it. We’d been friends since elementary school. He was even my boyfriend in seventh grade. He’d seen me at my best and my worst. He’d seen me at my highest weight and my lowest weight. He’d seen me get abstinent. I was sure that any problems we were having were temporary. I couldn’t believe that my partner and childhood friend was choosing to end our year-long relationship over the phone, right then and there. I was absolutely shocked. I had about seven months of abstinence. Dinner was long behind me and breakfast was a long time coming. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that eating wasn’t an option.

My last breakup before I came into FA caused me to nose-dive into food. The first thing I did was buy a large number of bulk sweets from the grocery store, all of which I ate on my two-hour ride home. Later that day, my mother took me out for dinner. I went back out to the grocery store and bought three or four family-size bags of snacks and ate all of them. I even went out for appetizers and drinks with friends later that night because “I deserved it.” It was a binge I never quite regained control over. It resulted in a weight gain of about 40 pounds, and I absolutely hated myself for my lack of self-control.

I didn’t want to repeat history, and Program had taught me that this time, I didn’t have to take that first bite. The first tool I reached for was my phone. It was very late, so the first thing I did was send a text message to my closest friend in Program. I called my parents, my sister, and a friend who lives on the West Coast. My friend in FA texted me back, and we were able to chat a little before I fell asleep.

The next day was hard. I hurt a great deal, and I spent a lot of time crying, but I held on to FA tightly with both hands. My Program was business as usual; I got on my knees morning and evening, read my literature, and spent a lot of time on the phone. Most importantly, I kept weighing and measuring my food.

I found a great comfort in continuing to work the tools of the program. Even though I’d lost a relationship that was very dear to me, I’d kept the most important thing: my recovery. I discovered that my Higher Power could fill any hole in my life far better than the food ever could.

I know now that during my hardest days, I have to keep my program close and my food simple. With the help of my fellowship, I am learning to navigate sadness, loneliness, and insecurity—without eating. Now, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to learn who I am without him, and most importantly, who I am without the food.