It amazes me that after one year in FA, with 155 pounds off my body, I still will resort to my old destructive ways. I used to overeat, binge, and purge. I was also addicted to cooking and to looking at recipes.
My sponsor often has referred to my recipe hunting and viewing them online as a form of pornography for me. I didn’t see the harm as long as I didn’t make any of the recipes. But I do have a problem: once I start reading and looking at recipes, I can’t stop. I have to admit that even recently, with a year in Program, I sat at my desk at work and ended up printing recipes for Christmas treats. I am not going to bake them; I just had to have the recipes.
I have made a commitment more than once to my sponsor not to look at recipes…then I would see a “pop-up” online and be off and running. One look leads to the next and before I know it I have read and gone through dozens of recipes. I can’t stop on my own. My sponsor told me I am not supposed to solve this alone. She reminds me that I have a solution. I have a program of recovery at my fingertips. Instead of using my fingers to search on my keyboard, I need to use them to make a call. I also need to ask my higher power for the power to stop the actions around recipes.
When I came into Program, I owned over 600 cookbooks and had shelves full of printouts of recipes. At one point I was getting five cooking magazines a month, along with several women’s magazines. I cancelled all my monthly subscriptions when I came into FA and stopped buying magazines at the checkout counter.
I have downsized my cookbooks since coming into Program and know I need to do more. The first things I got rid of were the endless collections of monthly cooking magazines I had saved. I took over 15 grocery bags and half dozen boxes to the school recycling bins. I came home from there an emotional wreck. I felt like I had just gotten rid of a big part of myself. I had no clue how to explain this to my sponsor at the time. I don’t even think I was able to express the impact this had on me. I actually had pain as I dumped each bag into the bin. I found myself going through the same pain with every cookbook I got rid of. Talk about the insanity of this disease!
They were only cookbooks, but to me they were more. I had built my whole existence around food. I was so full of shame and guilt most of my life that I isolated myself from people. There was a part of me that was eager for human contact and it was easy for me to have some contact with people over food. At least I could have some contact with the outside world without letting them into mine. I could connect with them without ever revealing the pain, shame, and guilt I felt. I became a great cook and baker and people would often ask me to cook for them or find them a recipe.
A while ago, my sponsor suggested I only do my grocery shopping once a week. One reason for this was because of my financial problems and another was that I tend to buy way too much food, not only for myself, but I buy things (sugar and flour) for my family. I don’t even need to be eating food to get my fix or high. Every time I even put food into my grocery cart, I get a rush of anticipation. As I read and explore a new recipe, I find I get the same fix. So, my life can become unmanageable even though I am abstinent. When I binge on food shopping and look at recipes online, I now see how powerless I am around food.
I live in a home with my mom and my sister and her family of four. I usually just deal with my own food, but we were recently on vacation and I found myself doing most of the cooking for everyone. I didn’t eat anything I cooked for them, but I sure got my fix. Each day I found myself cooking and going to the store for something “they” wanted. I was so into the lie. After telling my sponsor I would not cook or shop on vacation, I was almost doing one or both daily.
The shame and guilt over not telling my sponsor about shopping, overcooking for my family, and looking at recipes, was affecting my program. It’s funny how she knows me so well that she knew I was being dishonest with her. Thank you God she called me on it. It felt so good to come clean. It was like a weight was lifted. This weight of dishonesty would have added to the scope of any slip I was destined to have if I kept going. I realized that I was headed to one place…food. I will eat, and if I keep this up, it will be soon. It just blows my mind how this addiction shows up in my life in the form of recipe porn or shopping highs. I see how it is possible to be abstinent but still binge on food in other ways.
Food can only temporarily fill the void I feel. I need to fill this with the strength of my higher power. I need to use the tools of recovery to live a life without the food as I knew it. Today I have called on my higher power to help me, and my higher power planted the seed to write this all down. So instead of recipe hunting, I am using the tool of writing. I can’t undo this problem alone, and I thank God I don’t have to. I rely on God to help me to be honest in all aspects of my life.