The holidays are upon us once again. This will be my third holiday season in FA and there have been many changes in how I celebrate them. I came into program two weeks before Thanksgiving weighing 297 pounds. I now weigh 147, thanks to Program and my Higher Power.

I always had a fear of not having enough. My holiday feasts were just that, feasts. I would make enough food to feed an army. I never told my sponsor about all the food and desserts I made for my first Thanksgiving in Program. I was making dinner for eight family members and each of them had a favorite dessert. There were eight people for dinner, and I made fourteen desserts. I had to make sure there was enough to go around. My Christmas dinners were also way over the top. I planned to make the traditional foods, and then I would scour magazines and cookbooks for weeks and find something new to make. In the end I usually had at least three main dishes. My family would praise me for all my hard work.

I used the food as a way to express my love for my family. The more I made, the more love I thought I was showing them. Deep down I was miserable. It was a lot of work and I didn’t sleep much between Thanksgiving and Christmas. To be honest, I cooked and baked all of my favorites and I made enough so I had leftovers for myself. I needed to get my fill of the sugar and flour items that I made only once a year. I thought I deserved to eat them after all my hard work.

I have learned through Program that food is not love. I had been using food to hide my feelings. I had loving people around me and still felt alone at the holidays. I kept myself busy so I didn’t have to connect with family and friends. I was full of fear, doubt, and insecurities, and I didn’t think I was worth loving. I was not comfortable in my own skin and was afraid of what other people really thought of me. I thought if they truly knew me, they would not like me. I thought that if I didn’t cook and bake for them, they would not need me. I thought my whole existence in life was to care for my family and make them happy.

I have discovered in Program that it is not my job in life to make other people happy. I have found that my family and friends don’t care whether I make the food or buy it for the holidays. They are just happy to have something to eat and drink. I never thought they would want to spend time with me if food was not involved, but I was wrong. I am now able to enjoy the company of my family and friends. I can sit with them and not be preoccupied with whether there is enough food. I have learned to have conversations with people without getting up every five minutes to check on the food.

I cannot believe the time I have found over the holidays. This year I am not making any desserts. They are either being made by other family members or bought in a store. I had to surrender and trust that there will be enough. I am not looking through an endless collection of magazines and cookbooks for the next perfect recipe to make.

Because of suggestions from my sponsor, I also am not over-buying gifts. I am weighing and measuring what I am buying and how much money I am spending. I am not endlessly walking around malls and racing from one store to the other. This holiday season I have time to visit with friends and family. I can relax and watch seasonal TV shows without feeling overwhelmed with what still needs to be done.

The thing that has kept me sane over the last three holiday seasons has been having my program in place. No matter what, I put Program first. I can’t afford to cut short my time and dedication to FA. I weigh and measure my holiday preparation around my recovery. I have cut back on decorating and have kept things simple, just like I keep my program. I don’t conduct my program around my holiday preparation, I arrange my holiday preparation around my program. Program first even at the Holidays!