I had so many fears, doubts, insecurities, and resentments when I first came into FA. I weighed 244 pounds and didn’t know about food addiction, recovery, or how desperate I really was. At my first meeting, I sat at the back of a tiny room in a church (of all places), with my arms crossed, angry and frustrated, and busting out of my clothes. But I heard something that changed my life. I heard hope. I don’t remember the name of the happy, skinny lady at the front of the room, but I did hear enough of a story similar to my own. I heard that there might be a solution to the chaos and craziness going on in my head. I came back to another meeting and am thankful to the kind people who, at the break, gave me numbers of potential sponsors and advised me to take it one day at a time.
My sponsor shared with me the mottos she lives by and I thought she was absolutely insane. I thought she was particularly crazy when she told me that if I worked this program a day at a time, weighed and measured my food, and worked the tools that my life would be transformed and miracles would happen. Really lady, miracles? I thought, You FA people really are weird. But I was desperate for the food plan so I just sort of went along for the ride. And what a ride it has been! After two years of abstinence, I am 100 pounds lighter (almost 150 pounds from my highest weight). Now I have a life filled with daily miracles. I hadn’t realized how insane and out of control my life was. I thought I had it together for the most part, and it was just this “food thing” I couldn’t control.
I live a life full of gratitude today. I am grateful to have reprieve and freedom from my obsession with food. I am grateful to my sponsor, who has freely given hundreds of hours sharing and supporting my growth in a compassionate, patient, and loving manner. I am grateful for the tool of writing that allows me to sort out what my crazy addict mind is spinning out about at any given moment. I am thankful for phone calls to other addicts in times of stress, joy, sadness, or frustration, and for meetings of lovely people who I can count on week after week. And I am thankful for sponsoring, which reminds me on a daily basis why I do what I do.
The journey to where I am today has not been easy. There are times I want to eat, to throw my hands up and say to hell with it all. But as I continue to work this program, I know I don’t want to go back the chaos and misery I came from. I know now that no bite of anything will make things better. In fact, I am quite certain that I would be in an even more miserable place than I had been if I take that bite.
So no matter what, I don’t eat and I don’t eat no matter what! I get to feel the feelings I have been ignoring all these years and walk through the fire, knowing that there will always be something more beautiful on the other side. I know that I can get through anything life brings me with the help of my higher power and the strength of this amazing fellowship of addicts, who are just like me.
Today I am filled with love, joy, excitement, gratitude, peace, and serenity instead of irritability, restlessness, frustration, and discontent. The promises of this program really do come true, one day at a time, one weighed and measured meal at a time. All I have to do is my 1% and I have faith and trust that my higher power will take care of the rest!