I have been in program for three-and-a-half months. Tomorrow, with God’s grace, will be my first 90 abstinent days.

Today I am saying goodbye to a dear, dear friend. Our family’s 14-and-a-half-year-old apricot standard poodle is growing weaker and sicker each day. We are saying goodbye today so that she won’t have to suffer anymore. I can’t tell you how sad I am and the level of emotion I am feeling.

We are “dog people.” Our dog has been an important part of our family’s life. She loves her walks and is often the one initiating a walk. She expectantly walks to the door at the time we usually go out and looks back at me hopefully. These walks are good for both of us. Not only do I enjoy her company, but it has always been a reflective time for me. Our early morning walks are most often with a neighbor friend. We walk and talk about our lives, often solving the world’s problems, or at least a few of our own. When our dog was younger and so excited to get her walk going, she would run from our yard to the neighbor’s front steps, sometimes with a quick, sharp bark to let our friend know we were ready to go.

Now that I am in FA and have greater clarity about my addiction, I understand that at a sad time I used to isolate myself and take solace in food, trying to sooth the deep feelings of hurt and loss I was experiencing. I can now see that isolating and using food was a pattern of behavior that I used whenever I struggled with loss and hurt. Today my response is different, although I am still struggling with my feelings of loss, as are others in my family. I will miss our dog’s companionship. She has always been there, keeping me company, whether I was fat or thin. Her love has been truly unconditional.

Instead of isolating, I am using the tools of my program to navigate this difficult time. The time with my sponsor and on outreach calls has been critical. I have been able to share what is happening in my life and appreciate the support of others. I have also been able to understand that although this is big in my life, it doesn’t need to overwhelm me. I can experience it, feel the feelings, and still handle other things in my life. I can still be there to support others in my family and in Program.

Instead of letting this insidious disease convince me that I “deserve” to eat, I now think that I deserve to have a healthy and happy life. I use my journal to write about some of my feelings, I read Program materials to help me understand that others have faced difficulties and have navigated through them without food, and I pray to my higher power for the support and comfort I need. I know now that I can and will face more hurt and loss in my life. I am also learning, thanks to my higher power, that I can do whatever is in front of me, with the support of my FA program.