Several weeks ago, I was admitted to the hospital for colitis, after a reaction to antibiotics that were prescribed for an infected wisdom tooth. Before I could get the infected tooth pulled, I ended up staying for four days until the colitis cleared.
Because I was so ill I was unable to eat, and when I did, I wasn’t able to keep it down. In the four years that I’ve been in FA, this was the first time that I didn’t have complete control over what I ate and the first time that I was ever too sick to eat. Before Program, nothing could ever stop me from eating!
While I was in the hospital, the doctor ordered my first-ever colonoscopy. As a food addict, my only thought was that I had to fast and wouldn’t be able to eat. I ended up throwing up some more while having to drink the fluids to clean out my system. It was such an ordeal, and my entire digestive system just shut down.
When I could eat, I made sure that my hospital chart specified that I was allergic to flour and sugar. The staff got me the food I needed. I wasn’t allowed very many visitors because of my infection, but I was able to have my scale brought from home so I could weigh and measure some of my food.
The entire experience reminded me of what my life was like before FA. In the past, as sick to my stomach as I was, I would still have made absolutely sure that I had access to food 24/7. Before and after the fasting for my procedure, I would have binged my head off and done everything that I could to get my hands on food. What the staff couldn’t bring to me, I would have talked my visitors into getting.
I did finally get that wisdom tooth pulled. I thought things couldn’t get worse, but the oral surgeon ended up pulling the wrong tooth! At this point, I would have found a way to eat over it, but I didn’t. And my emotions didn’t even get out of control. With the help of this program, I was able to maintain a sense of peace and serenity over this entire ordeal.
The oral surgeon offered to give me an implant to replace my lost tooth and pull my wisdom tooth for free. What followed were several more weeks of not being able to eat very much. I had to work with my sponsor, who was such a blessing, to find creative ways to puree my foods. I don’t think I would have made it without her creativity and experience.
Prior to these events, I had another surgery that I had to reschedule because of everything that had taken place. Because of all the time I was taking off of work, I lost my job. This actually turned out to be a blessing, because I was so miserable at that job. I know that my Higher Power always works things out for me better than I could have ever planned. If I had gone through this surgery and none of the prior catastrophes had taken place, I would have had to go back to a job that I hated.
As bad as all this sounds, it doesn’t compare to what my life would be if I had not been in this program. I would have taken longer to recover from the hospital and my surgeries because I would have been in active addiction. I would have found ways to eat, no matter what it took, and would have made myself ill and risked further infections. Instead, I remained abstinent, and I honored myself and my recovery.
It was amazing to walk away from this experience thinner (since I was sick) and not fatter. I didn’t eat addictively, no matter what was happening. I was willing to do everything that it took to stay clean and close to my Higher Power. While I didn’t have control the way that I wanted to, I learned that I have to live life on life’s terms, and I don’t always get to maintain control. I was honest, open minded, and willing, and my Higher Power took care of me.