Approximately one year ago, after I had been in FA for 15 months, my AWOL group, in its study of the Twelve Steps, was approaching Step Four, where we take a fearless moral inventory of our personal challenges. I was besieged with fear of this process and the requirements of Step Five, wherein we were to discuss our shortcomings, character defects, and injured relationships with God and another person. How would I do? Would I be found lacking? Would I be told that I was unworthy—told to go back and do this over?
These thoughts were obsessive and causing me great concern. I was on the verge of making up an excuse to leave the AWOL. All my life I had been fixated on the notion that I had to be perfect or else I would not be accepted or loved. In fact, I went to great lengths to make it appear that I was perfect; I lied and attempted to hide any actions that would make me seem less than perfect in anyone’s eyes. I avoided anything that might lead to failure.
My sponsor, the AWOL leaders, and other compassionate fellows talked often about only having to “do the best that you can,” and that failure was not fatal, but a chance for growth. I listened and nodded, but I don’t think I really believed it at all.
About this time, an acquaintance related to me a very moving account of the recent death of her young granddaughter. The family was gathered at the little girl’s side as she was passing, and the mother comforted her with, “Do not be afraid.” This young child responded, “I’ll do the best I can, Mom.”
While listening to this interaction, I felt that God spoke to me (or I had the ability to hear) for the first time in my 65 years. The message to me was why do I feel the need to obsess over something so minor, when all that is expected is to do the best I can?
If this child could be so brave and face death with an attitude of only trying to do her best, why couldn’t I, a 65-year-old man, do the same when facing situations that were much less intimidating? What a positive example she was! I felt a great load lifted from my shoulders in that moment, as the grace of my higher power washed down over me.
I would not have been able to hear or appreciate that message without the clarity of mind that comes from this program, and through the elimination of flour, sugar and quantities from my diet.
I recently completed that AWOL; the things I learned and experienced in that process have been invaluable in helping me in my recovery from food addiction, and in my ability to be of service to my fellows in FA. Thank you, God.