As the new year approaches, I am sitting here thinking about this occasion in years past. I always had resolutions, always. Looking back, I now see that they were pretty typical addict resolutions: I was going to quit smoking, I was going to stop drinking (for real this time!), and, of course, this was going to be the year that I was going to eat in a healthy way for the rest of my life—no junk, no sugar (wasn’t so convicted about the flour), and no caffeine. And, I was going to stop throwing up once and for all.
When making all these resolutions, I had the best of intentions. I believed that this time it would be different. I would try this, that, or the other approach that I had not tried before, and this time it would work. No thought was given to the fact that it never had worked in the past, not for the long haul. Oh, I could do it…whatever it happened to be that year, for a period of time, sometimes as long as five or six months. But as time went on, those periods got shorter and shorter.
As these broken resolves mounted up, my self-esteem plummeted in direct inverse proportion. With each failure came more reason to thrash my already fragile sense of self. And with each failure also came a new resolve that I would do better next time.
I always had some very elaborate explanation for why I had given up on the resolution. And it always made sense to this fine addict mind. What I did not have was a clear understanding of food addiction. I did not know that I couldn’t do it, not alone anyway.
After many years of this pattern, I gave up on New Year’s resolutions. As the New Year approaches, I am so very grateful not to be once again making my list of all the ways in which I am going to be a better person next year. I am in FA, which means I have a way of life. I have a sponsor. I have Twelve Steps. I have a global network of other food addicts, and I have a Higher Power who is available 24/7 to meet my every need. Who needs New Year’s resolutions when you have FA?