One of my good college friends had a bachelorette weekend in CA when I was two years into Program. Little did I know that it would be an illegal drug/smoking fest. And I hadn’t guessed that this would be the weekend when some of my friends thought it would be good to confront me about my “problem” with food (i.e., their “concern” for me being in Program). Little did they know that this program was saving my life. Before FA, I was 165 pounds, exercising for more than three hours a day, and wasn’t losing weight. I had tried many free diets because I was too financially insecure to pay for anything. When I was in college, whenever I was numb, bored, or overwhelmed, I would sit and read with my hand in a bag and stuff my mouth, not even knowing how much I had consumed until there was nothing else for me to grab. Time for a new bag! I am disgusted at remembering how many crumbs fell onto my bed and into my sheets when I studied in my room.
Before FA, I would have caved into everything the girls were doing over that weekend and would have eaten everything in sight. I would have been stopping at the hotel lobby store and convenience store to buy things to “hold me over” until the next meal.
Went I went on that bachelorette weekend, I weighed 125 pounds. I brought all my food and set boundaries around my mealtimes, even though the others would eat lunch in the middle of the afternoon and dinner when it was my bedtime. I was the misfit, going against everything the rest of this group of 15 girls was doing. I felt I was on an altogether different trip than they were. How in the world did I not eat? Only God can answer.
The wine tasting was a different experience for me as I listened intently to the information about how wine was made, while the rest of the girls just wanted to get drunk. My quiet time was intense, as I wanted nothing more than to make it through that weekend abstinently. I called fellows, people who I have allowed to really get to know me. I left detailed messages for people at all hours of the night when we were out at the bars. I worked with my sponsor to know what the balance was between taking care of myself and showing up for my friend. I went into the bathroom of the restaurants where I ordered tea while everyone had their five-course meals. I asked for help to just be light and present and keep my eyes on my own plate (or in this case…my teacup).
Now, several years later, I have been invited to another bachelorette weekend. I will bring my weighed and measured meals, my books, and my cell phone. I will make many outreach calls, calling people in different time zones.
I have tasted the sweetness that living an abstinent life has brought me, so much more delicious than any food item ever brought me in the past. The fullness of this new life for me helps me see that I want to continue to go to any lengths not to take that bite, knowing that today I am full of God, gratitude, and hope.