I have been a member of Food Addicts in Recovery in Melbourne, Australia for two years now. I weighed 260 pounds when I came into Program, and have been as much as 285 in the past. I had a relapse last year that took seven months to get through. I am 61 years old and have now been contentedly abstinent for nine months.

I believe I have been a food addict from about age 4 or 5. The behaviours started early: stealing food, hiding food, eating in secret, stealing money from mom’s purse to buy sweets, making slices even so nobody could tell some was eaten, stuffing wrappers inside something else before depositing it in the garbage so I wouldn’t be sprung.

One of the startling things that I have learned about myself in this beautiful Program is the level of dishonesty that had become part of my way of being. Sometimes I use the word denial, sometimes manipulation, and sometimes omission, but these all are forms of dishonesty. Take for example, the fact that for the past 40 years or so, I have said I was 5’6” tall. I am actually 5′ 4 ½! I don’t actually know how this misnomer came about, but I suspect it was a hangover from the old height/weight charts that used to tell us definitively what our ideal weight should be. My diseased thinking might have told me that if I made myself taller, it would make it OK to weigh more.

I tried to the best of my ability to be honest and strident with the program, but it was so different from what I was used to doing. Honestly, I was such a mess when I came into FA that shopping for food, preparing my meals, and doing the tools was all I could manage in a day. After preparing salads, I’d have seeds all over the kitchen floor and the living room carpet. I’ve even found them in my bed!

At first I thought the dairy product we have at breakfast was far too much, so I just ate less and did not tell my sponsor I was doing this. I probably licked the odd spoon, too, and certainly did not own up to it. Occasionally I would skip reading the AA Big Book at night or not make my three phone calls, but the next day when my sponsor would ask, “How are your tools going?” I’d answer “yeah, fine.”  I didn’t realise the importance of being honest.

After seven months of abstinence and a 55-pound weight loss, I picked up a sugar product. I believe now that slacking off on my tools and not being honest led me to the relapse. Being in relapse was painful, but it definitely showed me that I am an addict, and that I was eating sugar and flour products against my will.

Bingeing came and went for seven long months. During this period, I would get a few days of clean abstinence, sometimes a week or two, and then eat sugar again, as the disease would tell me that I could eat sugar and flour that one day, and then get right back on track.  This “forgetting” about the reality of my addiction is part of my disease.

So, how did I get blissful abstinence back? I believe it was through getting honest. One of the most important things I did was to continue to go to meetings, even though I felt a lot of shame, knowing people would notice that I was no longer sharing from the floor and that I was gaining weight. Another important thing I did was to continue to work with a sponsor.

I think the most important thing I did, however, was to get honest. I started telling my sponsor every time I picked up an extra fruit or consumed sugar. I also started telling other FA members on outreach calls, “I’m struggling. I ate sugar last night. I need help.”  I began to tell my sponsor how I felt when people seemed impatient with me—how full of fear I was at being open and honest. I realised how absolutely terrified I was of being rejected.

At a meeting one day, instead of hiding in the back and sneaking out the minute the meeting finished, I said to another member who had been in a couple of years, “I feel like I should leave FA because I just can’t get it.” I will never forget her loving response of, “Oh no, don’t leave. You’ll get it. Just keep coming to meetings. We want you here.”  I actually believed her! I think my Higher Power was talking through her to cut through the shame in me. It worked. These kind words from another member, and the fact that my sponsor kept accepting my call every morning when I was struggling, helped me out of relapse.

This progress could not have taken place unless I started to tell the truth, not only the truth about food, but also the truth about my fears and dishonesty. When I notice dishonesty creep into my head these days, I do not judge it or beat myself up about it. Instead, I just write it down, talk to another person about it, and ask my Higher Power to remove it. I often now have the courage to be rigorously honest.

Now I know that it helps me to remind myself every day that I am powerless, and by doing all of the tools of this program, I am saying to my higher power, “I need help”– and then I get it!