The title of an Emily Dickinson poem, “Tell it Slant,” is an apt description of what led to my break—I told the truth, but I told it slant. After being in FA for over 10 years, I had a break. When asked by fellows what happened or how it started, I had to swallow my pride and say, “it started five years ago” (at least). It was five years ago that I had an incident that was “slippery” with food. When I told my sponsor about it, which I did promptly, I told her the truth, but I told it slant. I put a twist on what had happened to make it seem palatable and not a break. I quickly got back on track and went on my way abstinently until once again an incident with food surfaced where I told the truth but told it slant, to make it seem not that bad. I knew I had broken my abstinence but in that cunning, baffling, and powerful way, by the time I talked to my sponsor about it, I told the truth, but told it slant. Over a ten year period I had these incidents about 5-6 times. They were all when I was eating out and they all involved a recalculation of amounts (i.e., “I think that was under and need more”).  But then, seemingly suddenly (but not really!) the incidents were happening more and more and I was talking about them less and less. Finally I broke my abstinence—face down in flour and sugar and there was no way to slant the situation to justify my actions or to make it seem “not that bad.” I had a bon a fide break—flour and sugar, fair and square. What a relief it was to finally share the whole truth and nothing but the truth. No circuitous or slant to the truth. Phew. I am so grateful for a fresh start. 

Since that time I’ve learned so much about myself, my program, and my abstinence. I’ve been so grateful to have my new 90 days. I cherish them so. I realized in the new 90 days that I had been telling the truth but telling it slant in a way to avoid judgement and to avoid truly being anonymous and one among my fellows. My pride stopped me from being fully honest and from restarting my program. I wanted to be special, different and get special exemptions. I wanted to be above having a break. I knew better. I was special. Not!! What I learned from my new 90 days is that my disease is just like your disease—cunning, baffling, and powerful. I’ve also learned about honesty and that the truth, no slant needed, will set me free. When indulging and fondling the food and my food addition, the FA guidelines and suggestions feel punishing, strict, and unnecessarily rigid; but when I take the 3rd step and make the decision to do this program fully, the guidelines, tools, and suggestions are so comforting. I’m grateful for a fresh start. After I had the break and came clean about everything I felt enveloped by the program suggestions and guidelines.

It’s so much easier to tell the truth with no slant. I’ve learned once again that FA is the easier, softer way.