My food addiction hit an all-time high during my pregnancies and subsequent parenting of my two boys. It was very clear to me that I had a problem with diets and my weight. I knew that I couldn’t stick to any diet, but if I had competing forces in my life that required energy, well then, I had no chance at all. 

For example, I regularly used to take a two week “holiday” from my job or university to lose weight or, at the very least, to get kickstarted in a weight loss program. The plan, once I had devoted all my willpower to the new program, would be to integrate it into my life. I knew that I needed a lot of space and intervention for it to ever have a chance to work. Much to my surprise, time and time again this did not work, especially during my pregnancies. 

I certainly was not able to take that two-week pause in my pregnancy to lose weight. This, coupled with an intense fear that I have around my lack of control over my body and my life, meant that this was not a time to lose weight; conversely, I needed food medicinally to comfort myself. When my newborn boys would cry, I would immediately pacify myself with flour products. When they slept, I would feed myself excess quantities of sugar products to change my mood.

I felt very uncertain and radically inadequate as a mum. It often felt like I was pretending and a fraud. I walked around with a constant barrage of negative talk in my head. “You are unattractive!” “You are hopeless!” “You have no idea what you are doing!” “This is not working!” “You can’t stick to anything!” “You have no will power!” “You are obese!” “What will they think of you when they see you looking so gross?” “These boys deserve better.”

I knew I needed help. I was desperate for help. My modus operandi was to seek improvement, mostly in the guise of losing weight. I have a library of books for self-improvement, including weight loss books by well-known gurus. I tried hypnosis, neuro-linguistic programming, psychiatry, and acupressure. I instigated many group weight loss competitions and made my own meditation CD, recorded with my own voice. My lack of success did not stem from a lack of trying.

I was truly suffering. I binged for many years, knowing what I was doing to myself, but I was unable to stop. One night while watching a movie on addiction, I had a lightning bolt moment when I realized I was an addict with food‒no different than an alcoholic. My drug of choice was food. I was a total and utter food addict. It was an obsession. This awakening and self-diagnosis was something I could not unlearn, and I immediately contacted my friend, whose mum had been in FA, to find out more.

The biggest shift for me since coming to FA, paradoxically, has had very little to do with the food; rather, it has been so much more about being a better mum. Finally, after all the years that I was seeking growth while stuck in the food fog, I have now started to progress as a person. Don’t get me wrong‒despite having four years of growth, I still have a long way to go in order to catch up to my 42 years of age. But, mainly I have hope. I feel I am better equipped to provide the structure my family needs because of what I have learned from a twelve-step way of living. 

Most surprising to me, I have established a relationship with a Higher Power. It really works. I am consistently reminded that I am enough, I have enough, and I do enough. The Serenity Prayer and slogans, like “Live and Let Live,” are all cornerstones of this program that help me with my parenting. The best thing is when I hear my children repeat back one of these prayers to me. The prayers work for them too.