Today I was supposed to work, but my work said that they did not need me. Cool. It’s rainy out and I am tired (and filled up) because I had an FA meeting last night. But then I got this little thought, “Hey, maybe I should text my sponsor and see if I could come over and help her pack stuff for her move.” So I texted her and it looked like a go. (It is a miracle of Program that it even occurred to me to ask. 

     Back in my food addiction, I would not offer to help anybody do anything unless I was getting something out of it. I remember one time when I spent most of the day helping a family move, only because I kept thinking they were going to give me some speed. They never did and, in fact, the cops came over and made us all sit outside while they checked stuff out. Another time, I was “helping” a friend who was a single mom and low on groceries. She left the house and I “paid” myself by eating as much of her food as I felt I could get away with. 

      I took a shower and packed my lunch, and then I drove over to my sponsor’s house. I really wanted to make a call, so I did not use the mapping feature on my phone and I missed a turn. I was running later than I thought, so my sponsor called me and asked where I was. We talked and decided that it just wasn’t going to work for that day. I know that that was the right thing for the situation, but as I drove away from my sponsor’s house with my packed lunch, I felt like crying. 

     My sponsor has told me that food addicts don’t get disappointed. (Truly I go there, but I don’t stay there or else I eat.) So I kept practicing gratitude…thank you god for trying my honest best, that my abstinent food is with me, that I offered to help, that there is always another day, that I didn’t disappoint my sponsor (I trust that she has already moved on), that God is with me wherever I am, and that I am learning to accept that a change in plans is just a change in plans. God just wanted me somewhere else this afternoon. I made some calls to avoid self-pity, and decided to have a picnic with God (always a pleasant companion) at the library.

     As I had arrived at the library, I saw some old grapes withering on the vine. Before FA, I frequently ate whatever I saw. At times, even as an adult, I climbed into people’s back yards to eat off their fruit trees. It was pretty embarrassing to be shooed away like a stray dog, but I was powerless to stop.  While in the library, my mind momentarily lingered on the fruit I saw when I came in, but I have been taught through this program not to fondle thoughts like that and to make a call instead. I talked honestly with a fellow about my thoughts and spent the energy necessary to get to gratitude instead of getting stuck in my old style of negative thinking. Gratitude is honest. 

     I was glad to be at the library, because they have wifi and computers, so I could write for connection, which makes me feel useful and peaceful. In the past, I used libraries primarily because they had bathrooms. I would wander around town eating food out of dumpsters and needing a place to toss it back up. Library bathrooms were nice because they were in pretty good shape and nobody would be banging on the door for me to hurry up. I was also so crazy in my bulimia and speed addiction, etc. that I once got into a knife fight with some friends on the library grounds until the emergency responders arrived. 

     Thank you God it’s been a good couple of years since anything like that has happened. Since day one, FA has started pruning out those behaviors and replacing them with constructive behaviors. It all started with honesty around the food. 

     I am peaceful and contented in my life. I love my sponsor, my fellows, and my family. I am thankful for a home, job, car, and good health. I don’t need to do anything spectacular to prove that I’m worth something. I’ll just keep asking how I can be useful, allow God to let me savor contentment, and make sure that I have an abstinent dinner. Anything else is bonus.