I am working my way through an AWOL (a study of the 12 steps), and a few weeks ago on a Friday night, I did Step Five for the first time. That’s where we share with our sponsors our part in the things that have happened in our lives. When we were done, I immediately felt a lightness in my chest. It had been suggested not to have too high of expectations of Step Five, so I really did not predict that, especially as I found writing my inventory in Step Four difficult at times and felt “off the beam.”
The next morning I knew three things. First, the lightness continued. Second, I felt closer to God and third, I felt I had grown up somewhat. My sponsor agreed that he had seen me taking responsibility for some things I had not previously. These three changes have remained.
Just a few days later, quite unexpectedly, my employment was terminated. They walked me out the door, not even allowing me to return to my desk to collect my purse and phone. (My manager brought them to me.) I remained calm and collected, which I owe to FA and in particular, I believe, to the results of having given my Step Five away just days before.
My employer advised that everything else would be packed and couriered to me. I looked at them and said I will need my lunch and dinner from the refrigerator (it was a meeting night, so I had both packed for the day). They got them and walked me to the car. Once alone, the reality set in and my first phone call was to my sponsor. I am an addict after all! His immediate response was “Congratulations! God is doing for you what you could not do for yourself. You were always stressed at that job, having to reach sales quotas every month. Now you have the opportunity to find something that you really want to do, that is less stressful and supportive of recovery. And maybe you will do it for the next five or 10 years because you enjoy it.”
Leave it to our sponsors, who know us so well! That was not the response I expected, but so accurate. I drove home, and as it was lunchtime on a beautiful summer day, I sat outside at the picnic table and ate, contemplating what had just happened while waiting for my dear FA friend to return home. That night a sponsee was qualifying at a meeting for the first time, and she was quite nervous, so I had told her I would meet her beforehand to go over the format and have dinner together.
My old self would have said this day is now all about me! After all, I just got fired! Who would blame me? But instead, I was able to say to my friend that I did not want anyone to know that night so as not to take away from my sponsee’s qualification or to potentially upset her when she was already nervous. The next day, I began telling people.
I knew in my heart that what I had believed about this program was now about to come true for me, that I would rely on FA to see me through this difficult time, that this was not a time (nor is it ever a time) to return to the food. My old self might have said, “But I just got fired, that’s a really good excuse to eat.” And feeling justified, I might have. But thank God it is a different life now.
God knew, of course, what He was doing. Had the sequence of events been different, I am not as confident about the outcome of any of it. If I had been fired prior to my Step Five, would I have had the growth necessary to handle the termination? Since I was already off the beam in the days prior to Step Five, would the termination have pushed me over the edge? Would I have reacted emotionally to the news when meeting with management? Hard to know for sure, and thankfully I did not have to find out.
I carried on as normal, I still went to meetings, went to bed at the same time, got up at the same time, stuck to a schedule, my food plan, my sponsor call, my sponsee calls and committed calls, continued with my service work. I had a focus because I did not lose the most important thing in my life—my recovery. I just lost my job. FA brought routine to my life and calmness through it all.
As I write, I am less than a month away from that day, so a specific opportunity has not yet appeared, but I know that God will send the right opportunity my way—something better than I had before. I am looking for clear direction from Him to determine what my next step is to be. In the meantime, I am doing the footwork. The results are up to Him. As in all things, God is in charge and I trust Him.