When I first joined FA I knew I was home. I went to four meetings per week, not because I had to but because I didn’t know what to do with all my free time now that I was not eating addictively all day. When I put down the flour, sugar, and other substances, the young, 21-year-old egotistical part of me could not wait to get my 90 days and qualify in front of the room and share my story, because I was so thrilled to be in FA and share what I had found.

I had 65 days of solid abstinence and was on my way! However, one night while baby-siting, the mother of the children offered me a snack. I politely declined, but she kept offering it to me over and over. I was so intimidated by her that I just took the treat and popped it in my mouth hoping she would back off. I had no intention of swallowing the food, but she never turned around so I did end up eating it and breaking my abstinence. I instantly felt my mental disease return and the obsessive thoughts wouldn’t stop.  Did I just gain five pounds? How many calories were in that? Should I eat the entire box now?

I called and left my sponsor a message, but it was late at night. I had so much shame about what had I done, so on my way home, I called my mom.  My mom wasn’t in FA but she had attended a few meetings from time to time. She worked nights so she picked up the phone and I told her what happened.  I was wrestling with the thought, Well, tomorrow starts day one, so you might as well go to your late night coffee shop and order all the flour and sugar items you can get your hands on before tomorrow.  I told my mom with tears in my eyes what I was thinking about doing, and her response to me was exactly what I needed.  She said, “You’ve come so far in such a short amount of time. You don’t want to go do that now. I just heard a woman say at an FA meeting in reference to the food and going out to binge again, “Haven’t you had enough?”

My mom’s kind words helped me so much, I didn’t go to the coffee shop. Instead, I went straight to bed and discussed the situation in the morning with my sponsor. I had to start from day one and leave my AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps), but the break did not have to turn into a relapse. If I had gone and binged that night, would I have even got up and gone to my morning meeting and ate my abstinent breakfast? I don’t even want to think about what that could’ve looked like. I may not be able to say that I have 14 years of back-to-back abstinence and a 75-pound (34 k) weight loss from that break to today. 

I was sad that I had that break in my first 90 days. But today, I can look back and be thankful for it, as I can pass on to others that we can make a mistake, but we have a choice to get right back and not let a break turn into a relapse.