I had been abstinent for sixty days in FA when my beloved younger brother was diagnosed with lymphoma. He hadn’t been to see a doctor in twenty years, so we worried and stewed and fretted. He lived in another city, so with my sponsor’s help, I planned how to be with him during the tests and diagnoses while still honoring my abstinence. I’d made a commitment to this way of life and was reaping benefits I didn’t want to lose: a mind clear from food fog, emotions free of self-loathing and confusion, and a new focus that helped me fulfill my responsibilities. Where before my life had been dominated by thoughts of food or handling food or eating food, I was now savoring a life of boating, family get-togethers, peace, and glimpses of joy and freedom, along with a newfound writing practice. I knew I was powerless over these circumstances and that I had to rely on my Higher Power for my abstinence, my interactions with my family, and especially the outcome for my brother. Luckily, my AWOL group was working Step 2, so God was figuring deeply and consistently in my life. I accepted and practiced all forms of surrender. I decided to put all situations in the care of the God of my understanding, who is Love Only, and look around to see what results this choice would get me.
A periodontist sent the tumor he’d excised from my brother’s gum line to be re-tested. My appetite was depressed and I struggled to eat all my food. The fleeting thought came that I’d been cured. Then came news that although the tumor was cancerous, his PET/CT scans and tumor marker tests were clean from any sign of cancer! This bit of grace brought me sudden cravings for more food. I kept to my committed portions and laughed at the cunning of my disease. Two months before the diagnosis, my husband and I had moored a boat in a marina near my brother, so I had someplace peaceful to sleep, pray, eat and spend quiet time. When I was rushed, I had my go-to restaurants where I ate delicious abstinent food. When I was tired, I had easy abstinent meals on the boat. There were FA meetings in that town and my sponsor was so helpful.
The days flew by, one at a time. Because of consults, more tests, second opinions, etc., I split my time between my home and my brother’s. My husband, who was just starting in FA, only asked that I keep the kitchen stocked with abstinent food and to continue writing, which I had just re-committed to thanks to FA. The entire family rallied around my brother; he married his long-time love, and opened up emotionally and spiritually. On the week that we took him to UCSF hospital and he was accepted for treatment, I earned my ninety days of abstinence, qualified, and had lost more weight than expected!
Because of FA, I could focus on doing the next right thing rather than bouncing from one thing to another, emotionally and cognitively, as I had done before program. Quiet time allowed me the opportunity to give all situations to my Higher Power and to seek and rejoice in the small blessings happening within my family, which had what I called ‘God’s fingerprints’ all over them. I marveled at how happy I was, even if tired, just doing what was in front of me. God was my defense against eating flour and sugar, the only defense I can count on. I never once considered food to be a solution to the hurricane I was living. In my heart of hearts, I heard the still small voice say, “It’s going to be OK.” I chose to trust that voice and be there for my brother, especially if he was going to die. I wanted to make the most of our time together.
As it turned out, his doctor put my brother’s chance of a cure at “much higher” than 90 percent. And he will take each his cancer treatments with at least four family members in attendance, all praying for his speedy recovery. With my trust cemented in a kind and loving Higher Power and an FA Program that works, I expect to see many more miracles as long as I keep doing what I’m doing, one day at a time, no matter what!