I am a food addict and I need continual help with making honest choices. Although I did want to look honest and conservative, prior to FA, honesty was not on my radar. For me “looking honest” meant security would bug me less when I shoplifted. My shoplifting was primarily for food. I would eat handful after handful from the bulk food bins, steal flour items from the bakery, eat sample after sample, and open packages and leave the rest on the shelf. I felt terribly guilty but I just stuffed more food in my mouth in a futile and insane attempt to “fix” the problem.

Sometimes I would get especially brazen and fill my backpack, pockets and clothes with food. It was terrifying and humiliating to have the alarms go off and to be grabbed and chased by security. Sometimes I escaped and a couple times I didn’t. I went to jail over that type of behavior. I hope I never have to go back to those old behaviors. But I know that I would if I wasn’t in FA. At no point in my stealing career did I ever truly think that dishonesty was a good idea. I knew I would keep getting caught. But I was completely unable to stop my sticky fingers and insatiable need for more food.

It is so good to remember where I come from. I was taught pretty early on in FA that this program can be boiled down to one word: honesty. I remember deciding to lie to my sponsor. I had one of the worst binges in my life. I felt so much self-loathing that I tried once again to kill myself. Thankfully I was unsuccessful and learned that lying just doesn’t work for me. Every day since then I still have that same choice. The FA tools really help me, especially the phone calls. My fellows know me and the truth seems to just pop up on my phone calls. Once I see it, I can jot a little note and take it to my sponsor to get her help with it. This process leads to peace of mind and contented abstinence. Some days it is easier and other days it really stretches me.

This morning was tough. I talked with my sponsor about a financial plan I had spent a lot of time developing. I hope to be entering graduate school in the fall and will not be working, so I really need to save money. I had come up with a plan to save a significant amount of money each month. I had done my research and had found out that it was legal, although a little part of me wondered if it was really ok. It sounded just a tiny bit shady to me although I had been assured that it was absolutely legal.

I am so blessed to have an incredibly dedicated sponsor who listens intently to every call. She knows me inside and out. She can sniff out my disease when I can’t. And this morning I learned that God loves me too much to let me to settle for my limited financial plan. God holds me to higher laws than the laws of the land. I mean, eating addictively is legal, right? Bulimia is legal, right? But living that way made me hate myself. God and my program want me to have an undeniable integrity. And when riches come and go as they always do, what I can hold onto is the peace I feel inside. God and FA give me that. So I cried, prayed, thanked my courageous sponsor, made a lot of FA phone calls and took extra quiet time. I let go.

In the peace after the storm, God gave me the beginning glimmer of another financial plan. I can’t believe it! I thought plan A was the ONLY one! I feel sheepish. But I am so grateful that FA helps me to stay out of lying, cheating and addictive eating. With a clear conscience I can hear those great God ideas and act on them. I am excited to follow where this leads.