My old way of reacting to family time was to avoid it. I remember being a kid and knowing that my aunt and uncle had driven from another state and were finally safely resting in our home visiting with the rest of the family. I hadn’t seen them in a long time. I was scared to go into the living room. Maybe it would be awkward. The more I ignored the cheerful voices in the living room, the bigger the fear became in my mind, which made me feel uncomfortable. So I stayed in my bed, read my book, snacked and told myself that I didn’t care. They can’t make me. I spent a lot of my time avoiding life and being defiant, but deep down I felt sad because I was missing out. And deep down I blamed myself and I avoided more.
That behavior continued to grow. I remember being in college and really stressed out. I got myself a huge novel and stayed in my bedroom for two or three days reading through the day and night. I would sneak out occasionally, listening carefully so I could (in my mind) predict the times when I would be able to avoid my roommate and her friends so I could go to the bathroom or make a trip to the store to get more snack food. If she left the house, that was the best because then I could look into her food cabinets and see what she had been eating and maybe take a little here and there. I felt really guilty and weird about my sneaking and stealing but it was like I was possessed. I absolutely had to do it. It was exciting to me. But I knew it was wrong and I couldn’t look her in the eye.
Coming into FA has completely changed how I behave around food. I no longer steal other people’s food and I no longer eat and purge all day long. My obsession with my feelings and myself is lifting. And I am slowly regaining the love and trust of my family. I am forging relationships in FA with people based on honesty, respect and acceptance. I am learning how to enjoy the company of other human beings. God uses FA to teach me stuff I was too scared to learn as a child, teenager or adult. Each day I get the encouragement and strength to develop my social skills as part of my recovery from addictive eating.
I really got to stretch the other day. My mom said that my uncle would be in town and would like to see me and spend the night at my house. I was so nervous. I hadn’t seen him for about 20 years. I hadn’t had anyone spend the night at my house in at least five years. And I had never had anybody spend the night at my apartment in abstinence. I wanted to refuse the visit but I talked with my sponsor and she reassured me that it would be okay. Then I decided that if my uncle was going to stay at the house then I would just make plans to be gone that afternoon and the next morning. We could have a quick chat, but otherwise he could just use the apartment to rest up for the next leg of his long road trip. I talked this over with my FA friends to check my motives. Was I being fearful? Yep, my conscience kept tugging at me. I even had a meltdown. But with my sponsor’s loving guidance and the support of my fellows I was able to completely surrender to the situation. I’m so thankful because I know that acting on that fear and avoiding an opportunity from God makes me hate myself and look for the false comfort of addictive eating.
So I took a lot of extra quiet time, read my literature, went to my meetings and showed up for my uncle’s visit. After all the drama of my disease, the actual visit was so sweet and comfortable. We talked and looked at pictures and caught up. I ate my weighed and measured dinner and went to bed, tired, content and in awe of how God works. The next morning as my uncle was leaving he said, “Hey, Susan, let’s not wait another 20 years to do this.” And I replied, “Yes, let’s not” and I meant it, which is the miracle of recovery. God, abstinence and FA are completely changing my heart and I love the changes He makes.