My sponsee lives in a quaint northern California town that I adore, but visit infrequently. After leaving her house, I drove down the road and through the tiny downtown. A longing began to build within me as I started feeling sadness, coupled with that old familiar sense of wanting something to “hit the spot.” At thirteen-and-a-half months of back-to-back abstinence, I am thankful to say that I rarely have a desire to hit the spot with food. That day, I felt the desire to hit the spot in a different way. My first thought was: I wish there were someone with me right now.

But how could I be lonely? I had just had the pleasure of having lunch with a sponsee at her home, where she is recovering from a surgery she had only three days ago. We talked about life, addiction, and the profound and simple pleasures that abstinence brings. I left her home feeling grateful and deeply fulfilled. I felt so connected.

I realized that I was longing for the past. Seven years ago was the first time I visited this particular quaint northern California town, with a boyfriend. I had been head-over-heels for him. We perused the shops, had drinks at the local bar, and then dined out. In my memory, it was a romantic and fun day—way more perfect in my mind than it was in reality. But I know that it was nostalgia that left me feeling lonely and wanting something.

Well, I parked and got out of my car thinking: I don’t need someone with me. I’ll enjoy being here on my own! Walking down the street, I spotted a fun variety store with colorful and unique items in the window. I went in to look. I wasn’t planning on buying anything, but the longer I stayed inside, the more I wanted to buy something for my sister and my brother-in-law, both of whom had birthdays that month. However, since I am currently unemployed, I knew that spending money I didn’t have would not be the next right action. The next right action was…get out of there!

Walking back to my car, I saw a coffee shop. It seemed so inviting and cozy. I had a longing for the good old days when I’d go to places like this and sit, sipping a beverage. That used to really hit the spot. I considered going in—just to get an herbal tea. But I knew that for me, this would not be the next right action either. I had given up caffeine, something I had tried to do again and again before the help of Program, my high power, my fellows, and my sponsor. I knew that in my current state of longing, hanging out alone in a coffee shop was not smart…and I didn’t need to spend money on tea! I left.

I drove out of town feeling melancholy and a little lonely. So I made an outreach call to an FA member and talked about my desire to hit the spot by being with another person, and fantasizing about the past, shopping, or going for tea. It helped to share my thoughts and hear her input.

After the call, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, but knew I had a few hours free, and I had my laptop in the car. I drove to one of my favorite spots in San Francisco that looks over Crissy Field and San Francisco Bay, and began to write. Suddenly I had a memory that brought me to tears and gratitude. I remembered a time when I was sitting in that exact same favorite spot. I had felt so hopeless that day because of the way I had been eating flour, sugar and huge amounts of food, despite having promised myself “never again.” I had felt fat, defeated, and suicidal; that day the Golden Gate Bridge looked like a ticket out of my misery.

Today, 35 pounds down from my top weight, I am not fat. My defeat has been replaced by the success of showing up to FA on a daily basis and eating only committed abstinent meals. For the first time in my life, I am not depressed. I no longer fantasize about death as the solution to my problems. It amazes me that even though I sometimes want to find something to hit the spot, it is almost never food that I want. And regardless of what my mind tells me, I am increasingly able to redirect myself into taking the next right action.

I am learning how to live life’s ups and downs. For today, I have all I need—a place to lay my head tonight, three weighed and measured meals, clothes on my (right-sized) body, sponsees and fellows to share Program with, and a sponsor to be guided by and learn from. I have a loving God as I understand Him, who has blessed me with this precious gift of life. Thank God I was brought out of the misery and into the simple pleasures that abstinence brings.