Today is day 90 of abstinence—again. I have been in and around FA since I was 19 years old. I suspect I was 236 pounds when I started in what felt like the hottest summer of my life. I was wearing long, torn-up jeans, the last of my size 20s, with holes that were patched with fabric because my thighs were rubbing together so much. I was unwilling to get a size 22 from the fat women’s store. I took a liking to an old, dark, purple men’s sweater with a hole in the neckline that covered me and felt comfortable. I hated myself so much that I didn’t care if I had showered and brushed my teeth or not. I had thoughts of suicide almost daily. I did not have a life because of the layers of addiction that fueled my existence. I was looking for everything outside of myself to fix me. It started with food and then expanded to TV, shopping, money, alcohol, geographical cures, and relationships.
I was starting a college that was 2.5 hours away from any FA meeting, and off I went to take the program with me. I was determined to do this and I did – until it got hard. When my sponsor suggested that I not date and to let go of a food additive I was using, I found a sponsor who would let me do what I wanted. I dropped out of my AWOL (A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps) and my AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings, put anything I wanted on my food, picked up caffeine, and started a destructive relationship.
There were several times during the next several years when I knew in my heart I had broken my abstinence, but nobody told me to go back to day one of Program. I was basically sponsoring myself. I was losing weight and picking and choosing the parts of the program that fit into my busy schedule. I still had almost 30 pounds to lose and was having binges at restaurants. After a while the old thoughts of overwhelming fear came back, and I thought of dropping out of school and killing myself.
I finally got a new sponsor, thank you God, and started to really work this program. I became abstinent, through the grace of God, and began to become clearer and freer from the food and my destructive thinking.
After graduating from college, I started to turn to the food again in an effort to fix my medical issues. I became mentally obsessed with food, how to eat it, where to get it, and how much I could get away with eating and still be “abstinent.” I was looking in the mirror constantly and wasting a lot of money on clothing and nutritional supplements. I had no freedom. I was back to trying to fix myself with those old behaviors.
I had a plan to move across country and start a new life, but my plans fell through the day before I was to leave. I believe this was divine intervention, because who knows what would have happened if I had actually gotten on that plane and left my home? I needed a new sponsor and temporarily worked with someone who gently suggested that I make my food plan basic again, go back to day one, and lose the weight I had gained as a result of my health experiment. I saw an endocrinologist who confirmed there was nothing wrong with me, that I needed to let go of the supplements I was taking, and that I should just continue to take one tiny pill for my thyroid.
Today, 90 days later, I have a new sponsor with decades of experience in recovery, am 20 pounds lighter, and not using food as a drug. I was unemployed for three months and have just started a new and simple job that allows me to show up and be of service. I live with my parents, who love me deeply, and I have a fellowship that is second to none!
I am still single, in a new AWOL, and working on myself and my relationship with God and my family. It’s easy for me to focus on what I don’t have, but a simple call to a fellow in FA, or saying the serenity prayer, reminds me of what I do have. I thought that getting my 90 days the third time around would be impossible, but I really just needed to let go and do this program like everyone else—one day at a time. Today I love my progress and the ability to laugh at myself when I make a mistake. Thank you God that my life is so unmanageable that I need FA!