I was born the oldest child of four, and the only daughter. I always felt like I did not fit in anywhere. I was not overweight, but I was made to feel that I was. When I look back at pictures, I see that I was healthy, but not overweight. My parents were very hard on me, especially my father.  I was now told I was lazy, stupid, and ugly.

Home with the folks

I had to repeat grade one, since the teacher told my parents I could not read. In my second year in grade one, the teacher suggested to my parents that my eyes should be tested. It turned out that I had a severe stigmatism and could not see. But the script was written for me. I was constantly reminded at home that I was lazy and stupid. I did not have many friends and never seemed to get into the circle of things. I never did well in school after that, and nobody seemed to expect anything from me.

When I was 12 or 13, my parents rented a cottage by the lake for the summer. We had an Au Pair to help my Mom. This Au Pair liked having a snack at night, and she always made me one. That summer I gained 20 pounds, grew four inches, and developed a horrible case of acne. My father had heard that drinking Epson Salts would cure acne. I drank it while my father smirked. Another script was written: How to cure ugly Barb. I was sent to all the doctors and tried everything.

The expectation was that I would get married and would not need any education. I was told that I should not be in a college curriculum since I was not smart enough. That is when I started taking notice of school. In high school, I met an English teacher who introduced me to novels and encouraged me to write. I had my own column in a community newspaper about the local high schools, and for a few moments, I was a star in my parent’s eyes. My teacher encouraged me to try out for the school play, and I landed a lead part. Again, for a brief moment, I was a star.

Married off to a lawyer

I did go to college and wanted to go into writing, but was discouraged by my parents, since it was thought that I was not smart enough. I met my husband during my second year.  He was a law student. Yet another new script was written for me.

My father let everyone know that his daughter was dating a future lawyer. He was not going to let this one get away. I was engaged six months later, and my father gave my husband a car as a gift for marrying me. My husband was not successful at law and felt he should not have to work—that my father should support us.

I stayed married for 12 ½ years and had two young daughters. I hid our debt from my husband, and when I was called to the bank to explain myself, the banker asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I realized that I did not want to be married to my husband. That day I asked him to leave.

I started to gain weight after my daughters were born, and I never lost it. The year after my husband left was a year of eating everything in sight. A year later, I started the diets; there was not one that I did not try. I was a yoyo. I lost weight on all of them, but gained it back, and more. I was addicted to junk food and never just ate one serving. I stole food from the children, which I got caught at a few times.

The year for getting skinny

Ten years ago I was having tea with a neighbor, who asked me what I wished for next year. I said maybe it would be the year I would get skinny. She told me to come with her to an OA meeting. I did get a sponsor, and I tried it for a couple of weeks. My sponsor told me that she was going visit another meeting she had heard about, and asked if I would like to come.

I walked into my first FA meeting and it was a room of people who were smiling and sharing stories that sounded like they came from my life. I knew I had found my place. I got a new sponsor and started immediately. It was a bumpy road for a few months for me to really understand what was needed to practice this program. I had trouble with all these new boundaries. I had these new restrictions and rules in my life, and everyone kept saying that life would get better, but at the beginning. I did not feel that.

The Best Break

In my third month I became ill with a gallstone and was admitted to hospital. I did have a break, but worse than that, I lied. I was telling my sponsor I was having my allowed food, but omitted my binges. This lasted for two weeks. After much soul searching, and realizing I wanted to be successful in the program, I confessed to my sponsor.

I feel that my break was the best thing that happened to me. It was then that I learned what the program really is. I learned that I am not alone, and that the roof does not cave in. People surrounded me, supported me, and showed me the way back. The journey to recovery had begun.

I have been abstinent now for a year. I know what my food is now, and there is no discussion. I happily accept it, since I feel so vibrant and healthy. Why would I question a program that gives me so much?

My life has changed in many ways in all areas. One thing that is in the process of happening is a wonderful change in my relationship with my daughters, which was always very strained and argumentative. This has stopped. It is not perfect, but I have the tools to work with the relationships and develop a much healthier way of communicating.

I am not isolated, and I will never again feel that I do not belong. I find myself crying more, since I use to eat when I was upset about certain situations, but now I face my true feelings. The newfound clarity has made me understand my life so much better.

The sponsor I have now has helped me through this transition, and I will be forever grateful to her. I now am a sponsor and I am able to help people on this journey, which helps me to stay abstinent.

I believe I am a kinder person. I find doing service for others more of a pleasure than a chore. I am not as self-centered anymore. My life is so much richer since I am allowing my recovery to help me become a better person.