Before I came into FA I weighed 230 pounds and was suffering from a daily feeling of depression, anxiety, and despondency. Every morning I woke up with a feeling of desperation and the desire to escape from life. I ate from the time the alarm went off in the morning until I crashed into bed, with hands still sticky from the snack on the bedside stand and my teeth not brushed. I couldn’t get from home to work without a snack, and I couldn’t get from work to home without unbuttoning my pants because I was squeezed so tightly into my size 16s and 18s. I ate when I was bored, busy, anxious, or happy. I thought that food was my cure-all, but it only made my problems worse. Eating addictively made me ill and zapped the life out of me, but I couldn’t stop.

I always had a way to disconnect from my feelings. When traumatic events happened, I was able to keep my cool. I did not think I was deeply affected by car accidents, deaths, break-ups, or the many moves my family made when I was growing up. I prided myself on being able to take bad news and get right down to work, which often involved providing emotional support to other people involved who were emotionally impacted by the events. Sometimes I would ignore that anything had happened at all and then be proud of myself when friends commented on how well I was handling things.

Then I had a health scare that prompted me to go to the doctor. When I got there, I realized I was at a physical and mental breaking point. Though I had gone in complaining of back pain and a racing heart, I was soon saying that I thought my physical ailments were due to my weight and that I was suffering from depression. My doctor told me that there were FA meetings held in that building and that people who went to them lost a lot of weight and kept it off. She told me to go to those meetings for one month, and I started my journey in FA by attending a meeting the very next day.

Since I have come into FA and have been working the Twelve Steps, I have found that I do have feelings about a lot of things, but I always stuffed them down with food. Through FA and the grace of a Higher Power, I am now able to start feeling my emotions. I have been blessed to have escaped any major traumas in my life during the two years I’ve been in Program, but I have heard other members in FA share their experiences of loved ones passing, losing jobs or homes, and of heartbreak. It is inspiring to me that many people have gone through painful experiences and have stayed abstinent. I am confident that if I work the program, that when I experience a life-altering event, I will be able to stay abstinent. I am reminded that there are no solutions in the food.

I am working on things and situations in my life that cause difficulty for me. It sounds strange to say, but the most challenging time for me is when I am on vacation. When I have a week to myself with nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one around me, I feel the danger of negative thinking, self-pity, loneliness, and all of the feelings that would lead me back to food. I have been blessed with a hefty amount of vacation time in the past few months, and I believe that my relationship with God has grown in these times. It has been scary to wake up in the morning and not have anywhere to be. In the past, I would have eaten at these times. If I woke up in the morning with nothing to do, I would have made an elaborate breakfast and then started planning my meals for the rest of the day. I would have rented movies and tried to escape my discomfort.

Through the help of my sponsor and God, I have been able to stay abstinent. I have had to pray so much in this downtime. I have never felt so uncomfortable. I have had to get on my knees and ask God for more help than ever. Now when I am alone, I am learning how to take comfort in God’s companionship. I am constantly reminded that I have a great big God in my life that will be with me through these quiet, slow times as well as in the hectic or traumatic ones.

My sponsor helps by reminding me that God is keeping me abstinent and that I do not need to be afraid of down time or time alone. At the same time, she encourages me to make plans with fellows so that I do have somewhere to be, something to do, and someone to be with. Recently, rather than spend my vacation time taking trips, I took walks, went to movies, had adventures, went to extra FA meetings, and had meals with fellows. I am amazed how well these suggestions have worked to keep me abstinent.

It is a miracle that I haven’t had to eat over any of these feelings and that I do not eat between my meals, no matter what.