I had been around a program for people with food compulsions for a few years, and for a while could practice binge maintenance. I was essentially eating what I wanted for a couple of days and getting “abstinent” again (under eating, really) while over-exercising. As this became more and more difficult, I became more desperate. It was inevitable that without a real solution, I would start vomiting again. That part of my disease had progressed tremendously.

I had heard about people working the FA program but did not feel that I was bad enough to have to do that. When the day came that I realized I was that bad, I was bitter and depressed. I was not happy to finally surrender to this program. I sat in the back of the rooms with my arms folded and hated everyone, especially myself. Thirty days. I was going to give this program a real shot for only 30 days. If I didn’t feel better after that time, I was going to admit myself to a treatment center in Florida.

Thankfully I never had to make the decision to leave my husband and three-year-old daughter and travel 1000 miles to get better. My new life without harming (killing) myself with food began immediately, here where I live, with my family.

After just two weeks, I felt a lot better, and by thirty days I saw so much hope. I realized that this forever-immature girl might actually grow up, respect herself, and be respected by others.

I wanted recovery, but it wasn’t always easy. I was told to read a page of the AA Big Book every day, so I read chapters. I made a lot of phone calls. I actually took my sponsor’s suggestions. The biggest gift for me was that I finally followed my food thoughts through. I definitively knew where that first bite of non-abstinent food would lead me.

No matter how bad things felt at the moment, (and during that first 90 days, there were times they felt really bad), I did not want to go back to that old life of bingeing until I couldn’t move and purging in fast-food bathrooms. I did not want to miss one more moment of my daughter’s life and I didn’t want to lose my marriage. But most of all, I wanted what the promises promised: A sane, happy, useful life. And that’s exactly what I have today.